Thank you Auntie Maxine for this ICONIC moment with lasting ripple effects.
Without further ado, let's talk rituals, reflection exercises, and
actions to get over breakups big and small in a constructive, healthy,
and fulfilling manner! I have put a lot of thought into this post and I
have tried to live all of these suggestions instead of doing my usual
"give great advice, but do the exact opposite in my own life". These
are invitations, not prescriptions, to help get over a breakup. They
may work for you, but I also encourage you to try them (even if you
aren't in a breakup state, these rituals can be helpful to cull out
things and memories that no longer serve you) and create your own that
fit your personal values and beliefs.
Rituals I
A simple Google search tells us that a ritual is a
religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions
performed according to a prescribed order. I look at rituals as
anything cathartic that helps facilitate a connection to self or a
greater power (be it nature, G/god, spirits, deities, humanity, or the
collective ancestral unconscious). It may sound woo-woo, but as a woman
of science, the key to all this is the orderly, sequential nature of
the ritual leading to a desired outcome. Even something as routine as
going to bed or taking a bath is a ritual. Break something ordinary
down into steps, and there is ritual to it.
Something that has come in clutch since moving into my apartment has been the benefits of having a large bathtub. Although I am not that tall, at about 5 feet 8 inches, I normally have to make the decision between which half of my body will be out of the water, leading me to opt for the more immersive, but less luxurious option of showers. However, my bathtub is deep and huge, so I have added baths to my self-care repertoire, and have developed a ritual over the last 6 months. Let's try to break bathing down into minute, replicable steps.
Taking a boujee bath:
Something that has come in clutch since moving into my apartment has been the benefits of having a large bathtub. Although I am not that tall, at about 5 feet 8 inches, I normally have to make the decision between which half of my body will be out of the water, leading me to opt for the more immersive, but less luxurious option of showers. However, my bathtub is deep and huge, so I have added baths to my self-care repertoire, and have developed a ritual over the last 6 months. Let's try to break bathing down into minute, replicable steps.
Taking a boujee bath:
-remove the mat from the side of the tub and place it on the ground
-ensure a clean (or clean enough) towel is hanging in the designated place near the bath
-begin running the bath by turning the hot and cold taps on, adjusting to your desired temperature
-light candles or dim lights for ambiance
-add any bath salts or a few drops of essential oils as your bath is drawing
-put
on a CD, playlist, or musical accompaniment of your choosing, or begin
to focus on the quiet tranquility and echoes in the acoustics of your
bathroom
-remove your clothes
-apply a face mask if you feel so inclined
-pour a glass of wine or beverage of your choice if that appeals to you
-set
an intention for your bath: Is it to treat yo self? Is it to ease sore
muscles after a work out? Is it is to unwind after a difficult day?
Did you get a fancy bath bomb and need to use it right away to justify
the purchase?
-lower yourself slowly into the bath and remain submerged until you are ready to come out
*add fresh hot water as needed to maintain comfort
Reflection
Taking a bath flows well into another suggestion, although not so much a
ritual, but a wee bit ritualistic: be naked as much as possible. After
8 unhealthy, unbalanced, and unsatisfying years, I really truly
believed I was undesirable and ugly in every sense. For many reasons, I
was averse to looking at my naked body, avoiding vulnerability, and
denying a more free and *s*e*n*s*u*a*l* side of myself because I had the
confidence of a broken umbrella at the side of a highway. Taking a long
luxurious bath is a great way to start being comfortable with your
vulnerable, exposed, nude self in a private and safe way. Other than
Never Nudes, most of us are used to being naked while bathing. In the
bath or shower, start finding small things you like about yourself, that
make you feel sexy, or at least like a mildly sexual being.
“Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me
hard. I’d fuck me so hard.”
Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb (Ted Levine) ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ (1991)
Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb (Ted Levine) ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ (1991)
Try
softening your gaze and giving yourself at least one naked compliment a
day. This can be done quickly while dressing in the morning, or set
time aside specifically if you really want to go all-in. Make sure you
have some good, not warpy mirrors in your space. That $15 black or
white framed Ikea long mirror does a body real dirty, don't trust it!
Try not to recoil at your own reflection, and practice self-compassion
on the days when you catch yourself recoiling even a tiny bit.
In the wise words of RuPaul:
"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen!"
We can slowly build up self-compassion through finding things to love
about ourselves. If you are like me, it is a lot easier to focus on my
professional achievements than my physical appearance or even my merits
as a decent human being. But being proud of your physical appearance is
important for general quality of life. After someone messes with your
mind about your self-worth for long enough, it can be hard to see
yourself as vital, beautiful, and appealing. It can feel awkward and
alien to think highly or even kindly of yourself. Being naked, seeing
yourself naked, and finding joy in being in your own naked skin helps
you not only in relationship with yourself, but also is a huge
confidence booster when you are ready to be naked with someone else.
Brush your teeth naked. Do the dishes naked. See how you feel, does it
get easier over time? Confidence with your exposed self will slowly
translate to confidence with your clothed self. Hell, even getting a
haircut, a pap test, or a wax is easier when you feel more confident in
your own skin.
This
self-compassion and self-love is how we slowly build ourselves back up
after the upset of a major breakup. Some proactive Treat Yo Self-esque
experiments I did included:
-a juice cleanse ($$$ but lost 2 pounds in 3 days and peed a lot, but would do again)
-a juice cleanse ($$$ but lost 2 pounds in 3 days and peed a lot, but would do again)
-a facial
-a massage
-spending a long time meditating in the sauna/steam room
-actually going to the gym on my own terms, staying as long or as short as I wanted without feeling guilty
-got a quintessential post-breakup hair cut
It was great timing for me because the money that would have been spent
on our anniversary, his birthday, and Christmas was able to be
hedonistically reinvested in myself. That being said, spending money
can only go so far. Back to the constructive (and cathartically
destructive) rituals.
Rituals II
Cleanse your physical space through ritual! This can begin the day, even moments after your breakup.
1. Remove everything that has a sentimental pang from your immediate vision.
*start in the entrance way of your space, scan your eyeline for gifts, photos, or anything else that needs to G-O out the D-O.
2. Create 4 piles: first is their stuff that needs to be returned. Get it out of your space as soon as humanly possible. Their shit can either be picked up in person or drop it off at a mutual friend's place, just make sure it is masterfully packed up beforehand to show that you are ready to move ONWARD AND UPWARD! Back to our piles, one pile of donateable items (housewares, stuffed animals, decor, jewellery, etc), one of TRASH (things that were sentimental to you, but now have no use like the plastic wrapper from a bag of weird candy purchased on a trip...anything that you can't/environmentally shouldn't burn), and finally a pile of photos, cards, and expired love notes to BURRRNNNNN!
3. You are ready for a Ritual Burning!
1. Remove everything that has a sentimental pang from your immediate vision.
*start in the entrance way of your space, scan your eyeline for gifts, photos, or anything else that needs to G-O out the D-O.
2. Create 4 piles: first is their stuff that needs to be returned. Get it out of your space as soon as humanly possible. Their shit can either be picked up in person or drop it off at a mutual friend's place, just make sure it is masterfully packed up beforehand to show that you are ready to move ONWARD AND UPWARD! Back to our piles, one pile of donateable items (housewares, stuffed animals, decor, jewellery, etc), one of TRASH (things that were sentimental to you, but now have no use like the plastic wrapper from a bag of weird candy purchased on a trip...anything that you can't/environmentally shouldn't burn), and finally a pile of photos, cards, and expired love notes to BURRRNNNNN!
3. You are ready for a Ritual Burning!
-make sure you have a lighter or matches
-if you do not have a fireplace, fire pit, or bonfire spot, get a glass or metal baking tin/container and line it with aluminum foil
-if you do not have a fireplace, fire pit, or bonfire spot, get a glass or metal baking tin/container and line it with aluminum foil
-light candles in your space using a gas lighter or matches
-hell, sage your place before or after the burning too if you're into that
-hell, sage your place before or after the burning too if you're into that
-if you have a deck, open your door to the outdoors and invite nature and fresh air inwards
-collect your pile of things to burn, if you prefer chaos and don't have much to burn, load your tinfoil-lined baking vessel with the cursed papers and burn, baby, burn!
-collect your pile of things to burn, if you prefer chaos and don't have much to burn, load your tinfoil-lined baking vessel with the cursed papers and burn, baby, burn!
*I was lucky
enough to do this ritual twice, the first time I burned the majority of
his cards and notes alone, but I got a cryptic and creepy piece of mail
post-breakup because of his ineptitude (wrote my address incorrectly)
and it arrived over a month after the breakup, and I was able to burn
this final cursed memento with my best friend and her boyfriend. If you
feel comfortable, I highly recommend including those you love in your
healing process as you see fit.
-add
the ash to any of your potted plants or send it out into the universe
by blowing it into the air, depending on the method and volume of ash
produced in your burning
4. Clean everything, it is time to begin anew!
4. Clean everything, it is time to begin anew!
-open windows to let fresh air in as you begin your cleansing journey
-light
candles or incense of your choosing, honestly I am sure that there are
supposed to be scents or herbs that are best for this kind of thing, but
I say go with what you love the most as you reclaim your space and make
it pristine for yourself
-begin by washing your bed linens, vacuum the mattress, get every trace of their DNA out of your sacred recharging space
-begin by washing your bed linens, vacuum the mattress, get every trace of their DNA out of your sacred recharging space
-wipe down all surfaces with the cleaning solution of your choice
-really scour your bathroom, again aiming to erase any stubborn hairs and nastiness from your ritual spaces
-brew some tea and relax in your beautiful home after
I found that once my space felt purely mine again, it was a lot easier
to relax. Plus it was very clean and appealing to host friends. It was
also a relief to know that if I lured any unsuspecting males into my
witch lair, it was already at a base-level of presentable. Staying on
top of laundry and dishes is another story when you transition into the
action-phase.
Action
The therapist side of me says that time is never wasted in a
relationship as long as you learn about yourself and grow. However, the
human in me can't help but wonder who I could have met, and what else I
could have accomplished in the last 8 years if I was not wasting so
much energy on someone who did not help build me up at all and actively
worked to tear me down. It has been a lot to unpack. If you are as
stubborn as I am, admitting defeat is the hardest of all. It took me a
while to allow myself to grieve.
The
initial momentum of purging his stuff, wonderful and spontaneous boujee
self-care, as well as instant interest and responses on online dating
platforms had me feeling I N C R E A D I B L E (with slight hints of
horror and manageable rage).
As
time went by, I started to feel the deep sadness for the years I spent
pouring my heart, soul, and genuine caring effort into a one-sided and
draining relationship with a selfish energy vampire. Embarrassed to
"regress" from my public empowered persona, who was handling the breakup
with dignity, grace, and the utmost strength, I didn't want to admit,
even to myself, that I had a lot to grieve.
From the beginning of this process, I realize that I was never alone. Growth cannot happen in a vacuum, just like plants we need fresh air, sun, and sustenance (both physical and emotional). Friends helped crystallize the initial decision. My best friend showed up at my apartment the day of the deed with armfulls of chocolate, treats, and even a little unicorn to remind me of the magical creature I am. Always remember that your friends and family are ALWAYS there for you in some capacity.
*Invite those you care about into your rituals and reflect and grieve with them*
The time you spent in a not-great relationship may have been time they felt your distance in friendships. If there is anyone in the world fit to celebrate with you, it is those nearest and dearest to you. It was a delicious privilege to have my friends literally support a container to burn my ex's creepy, cryptic, manipulative post-breakup card with me.
*Celebrate small victories and set SMART goals*
-get your body snatched at the gym
-try something like a cooking class or improv that you always wanted to do but "something" was holding you back before
-save money for a solo trip
The possibilities for goals are endless because you are a fantastic person capable of actualizing your wildest dreams!
-get your body snatched at the gym
-try something like a cooking class or improv that you always wanted to do but "something" was holding you back before
-save money for a solo trip
The possibilities for goals are endless because you are a fantastic person capable of actualizing your wildest dreams!
Not all goals need
to be outwardly impressive. The most liberating personal growth can
come from what seem like the smallest steps. For me, going to certain
stores by myself (author's note: I did get teary when I wrote this
part) was a huge step. It was shockingly emotionally wearing treading paths once walked as a couple. Choking back tears in Walmart did garner some interesting looks.
Launching back into what were couple routines as a single person can be
the most jarring. Those are the moments that feel
L O N E L Y.
You might not miss your ex, but it is thrown into your face that a lot has changed. And if you're like me, change is hella hard. It's not comfortable, it's certainly not easy, but you survived and you're doing it every day.
So here's to you, here's to me, here's to us! Let's give another "Thank u, next" to our exs and appreciate all that they have taught us. No matter what your situation, relationships change us, sometimes for the better, sometimes in a more detrimental fashion. It's about getting back up, putting yourself back out there when you are ready, and dusting off the best, most shiny, and infectious facets of your spirit. Everyone heals at different rates. One day it will go beyond healing and you will blossom. Your head will sit a little higher. Your co-workers might comment that you seem lighter. You might even smile while walking in a familiar place and nothing but contentment for existing in this exact moment, just as you are, fills your mind. Here's to 2019! May it be filled with continued successes, personal growth, and lots and lots and lots of adventures worth blogging about.
L O N E L Y.
You might not miss your ex, but it is thrown into your face that a lot has changed. And if you're like me, change is hella hard. It's not comfortable, it's certainly not easy, but you survived and you're doing it every day.
So here's to you, here's to me, here's to us! Let's give another "Thank u, next" to our exs and appreciate all that they have taught us. No matter what your situation, relationships change us, sometimes for the better, sometimes in a more detrimental fashion. It's about getting back up, putting yourself back out there when you are ready, and dusting off the best, most shiny, and infectious facets of your spirit. Everyone heals at different rates. One day it will go beyond healing and you will blossom. Your head will sit a little higher. Your co-workers might comment that you seem lighter. You might even smile while walking in a familiar place and nothing but contentment for existing in this exact moment, just as you are, fills your mind. Here's to 2019! May it be filled with continued successes, personal growth, and lots and lots and lots of adventures worth blogging about.
