BDE

Big. Dick. Energy.

Urban Dictionary defines BDE as:

Do you think BDE is just for men?  Hell naw, Rihanna and Cate Blanchett are prime examples of women who thicken the air with their effortless, intoxicating confidence.

    BDE has been around since the dawn of time, but it really became a thing in the Spring/Summer of 2018 with Ariana Grande spreading the good word as a queen does.  I went into 2019 overflowing with BDE.   It was the first time in about 6 years that I had a palpable joyous confidence.  It could have been the spandex dress with pointy shoulders, the holographic bondage over said dress, or the metallic red smoky eye that would later be transferred onto one of my throw pillows when I passed out alone that night, but I felt like a true unicorn again.  Unattainable.  Untouchable.  A wild, mythic creature with no master.  I didn't kiss anyone at midnight and I wasn't sad to go home alone (I giggled all the way home with best friends anyway).
     It is amazing how much can change in a season.  Three months ago the table cloth was pulled out from under the dishes and instead of it being a cool magic trick, all the dishes broke on the floor. 

     In mid October 2018, I went to the spa for the first time as a Treat Yo' Self experiment.  When I took my phone out of the change room locker after relaxing in the sauna and a facial, there were multiple manipulative texts from my ex.  How dare he ruin the biggest money move I have ever done in the sake of gluttonous self-care?  Henceforth he is blocked on all communication channels.  Today while I got oiled up and hosed down at the spa, there was not a message to be had.  Not from my mum, not from any friends, not even from my cell service provider.  That may seem kind of sad, but it was a relief.
     Relief is an interesting feeling.  Relief is like sinking into warm, soft joy contained deep within your core.  For me, it usually brings with it such an internal quietness that I can't feel the rest of the world, albeit briefly as an empath, for the satisfying, grounded, private euphoria.  So much of my career and what brings me true vitality in life is connection with other people.  But man, if I don't love not having to deal with anyone sometimes.  Relationships of all varieties are beautiful, precious, invigorating things.  But the relief I feel from sitting alone in my apartment with one light on silently eating an entire box of Leclerc Celebration chocolate-topped cookies for dinner and knowing that I don't need to shave anything unless I really want to is also a powerful feeling.
     Being alright is a state of mind.  I am choosing to approach each day as an opportunity to do things that I really want to do for my own sake.  Today I taught my seniors the difference between possums and opossums, blending natural history, ecology, and linguistics.  It was met with resounding positivity.  It proves that if you are passionate about what you are talking about, even the most bitey and rat-like things, people will listen.  It helped lead me to a bit of an epiphany.
    It is time to move from gratuitous hedonism to productive (budget-friendly) hedonism.  I am still going to do what I want, when I want, but it is time to face my new reality with the confidence and BDE that I already have on the inside.  Looking like an Instagram baddie with clear skin and a seemingly endless supply of fresh threads is only a temporary fix for the aversion I've felt to going out into the world with as my authentic, vivacious, open-hearted self.  It's easier said than done to ditch the myriad of  baggage I have, but I have way too much BDE to allow it to be stifled by my inner saboteur.