Sunday, 16 April 2017

Tales from the Draft Vault: Sex and Attraction

I noticed that I had a lot of unfinished posts in the "Drafts" tab, so I thought it would be fun to look back at what unhatched plans I was sitting on years ago.

Hilarity ensued.

I was unsure about a lot of norms in dating (and still am).  There is so much that I don't understand about what it's like growing up as a young male in this age of the internet and instant gratification.  Negotiating wants and needs with a partner and confronting my own beliefs and hang ups has been challenging.  I was not a good communicator face-to-face and often felt a lot of legit rage because I was genuinely afraid of speaking my mind but also figuring out my own beliefs as a feminist and general good human and partner.

*the spinal disability porn was shown in a Health Science class on human sexuality.  The prof wanted to show that there really is everything out there and that some people do try to do...empowering things with porn whether the world wants it or not* rolls eyes into the cosmos at the romper room fuckery*

These drafts were from somewhere around the age of 19, so 2012 ish.  There was a lot going on in my life, I was pretty salty about a lot of stuff, and also thought that I was pretty hot shit (100% tru doe).  I was coming into my own and enjoying feeling like an attractive and desirable young woman.  I spent all my weekends at bars, clubs, and partying, so I put on my psychology googles when other people had on beer goggles.

I still have super glued on half-grapefruit or navel orange boobs, whatever.  Now I wear backless stuff, it's awesome.  AND I don't have to be mean or jealous of well-endowed women, I understand now.  We all don't have to give a single fuck about what men want, it all makes sense!  #maturity

Life is a lot easier when you don't exist to be attractive to men.  That has been a fabulous life lesson.  I probably wouldn't own so many clothes with unicorns and glitter tulle and Troll Dolls if I hadn't learned that lesson.

In that above post we see some of my saltiness.  I think those posts remained drafts because I didn't like who was coming out when I explored the feelings of inadequacy and jealousy I was experiencing.  As I left my late teens and entered my early twenties, it was shocking when some of my male friends started dating girls who were freshly out of or still in high school.  It was a shocking realization that once you are in your 20's, some guys can start looking for younger models.  Be it for their naivete, crisp virginity, ease of manipulation, or feeling like rulll mannnn, it was really disconcerting.

It is any combination of:
- saltiness because I was starting to become self conscious that I was aging
-protectiveness of underage girls drinking and having sex with adult men
-who is using who?
-what do you even have in common? They don't give a fuck about Skyrim
-the ease of posting/sending nudes and messages without understanding repercussions

So salty.

Thank the lord I we weren't in the era of SnapChat yet.  I think this iteration of me would have had an aneurysm writing about my distaste for the voyeurism and frivolity of it all.

More Tales From the Draft Vault to come!