Saturday 29 December 2018

Reclaiming My Time: How to Get Over a Breakup Through Rituals, Reflection, and Action

     2018 was quite the year.  I took a few big Ls, but it was also a year of enormous personal and professional growth.  I continued a self-love and empowerment journey that really kicked off in 2017.  I took action to help spread the good word of girl power in my own circles as well as professionally through working with young women.  Speaking of empowerment, let's give a big shout out to Maxine Waters, who got us thinking about standing up to assholes who waste our time.  Congresswoman Maxine Waters of the 43rd District of California, a.k.a. Auntie Maxine, actually made the TIME 100 list for 2018.  Regardless of gender identity, race, or class, we all have assholes, and the power to stand up to them!
Thank you Auntie Maxine for this ICONIC moment with lasting ripple effects.

     Without further ado, let's talk rituals, reflection exercises, and actions to get over breakups big and small in a constructive, healthy, and fulfilling manner!  I have put a lot of thought into this post and I have tried to live all of these suggestions instead of doing my usual "give great advice, but do the exact opposite in my own life".  These are invitations, not prescriptions, to help get over a breakup.  They may work for you, but I also encourage you to try them (even if you aren't in a breakup state, these rituals can be helpful to cull out things and memories that no longer serve you) and create your own that fit your personal values and beliefs.
Rituals I
     A simple Google search tells us that a ritual is a religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.  I look at rituals as anything cathartic that helps facilitate a connection to self or a greater power (be it nature, G/god, spirits, deities, humanity, or the collective ancestral unconscious).  It may sound woo-woo, but as a woman of science, the key to all this is the orderly, sequential nature of the ritual leading to a desired outcome.  Even something as routine as going to bed or taking a bath is a ritual.  Break something ordinary down into steps, and there is ritual to it.
     Something that has come in clutch since moving into my apartment has been the benefits of having a large bathtub.  Although I am not that tall, at about 5 feet 8 inches, I normally have to make the decision between which half of my body will be out of the water, leading me to opt for the more immersive, but less luxurious option of showers.  However, my bathtub is deep and huge, so I have added baths to my self-care repertoire, and have developed a ritual over the last 6 months.  Let's try to break bathing down into minute, replicable steps.

Taking a boujee bath:
-remove the mat from the side of the tub and place it on the ground
-ensure a clean (or clean enough) towel is hanging in the designated place near the bath
-begin running the bath by turning the hot and cold taps on, adjusting to your desired temperature
-light candles or dim lights for ambiance
-add any bath salts or a few drops of essential oils as your bath is drawing  
-put on a CD, playlist, or musical accompaniment of your choosing, or begin to focus on the quiet tranquility and echoes in the acoustics of your bathroom
-remove your clothes
-apply a face mask if you feel so inclined 
-pour a glass of wine or beverage of your choice if that appeals to you
-set an intention for your bath: Is it to treat yo self?  Is it to ease sore muscles after a work out? Is it is to unwind after a difficult day?  Did you get a fancy bath bomb and need to use it right away to justify the purchase?
-lower yourself slowly into the bath and remain submerged until you are ready to come out
*add fresh hot water as needed to maintain comfort

Reflection
     Taking a bath flows well into another suggestion, although not so much a ritual, but a wee bit ritualistic: be naked as much as possible.  After 8 unhealthy, unbalanced, and unsatisfying years, I really truly believed I was undesirable and ugly in every sense.  For many reasons, I was averse to looking at my naked body, avoiding vulnerability, and denying a more free and *s*e*n*s*u*a*l* side of myself because I had the confidence of a broken umbrella at the side of a highway. Taking a long luxurious bath is a great way to start being comfortable with your vulnerable, exposed, nude self in a private and safe way.  Other than Never Nudes, most of us are used to being naked while bathing.  In the bath or shower, start finding small things you like about yourself, that make you feel sexy, or at least like a mildly sexual being.
“Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard. I’d fuck me so hard.”
Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb (Ted Levine) ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ (1991)

Try softening your gaze and giving yourself at least one naked compliment a day.  This can be done quickly while dressing in the morning, or set time aside specifically if you really want to go all-in.  Make sure you have some good, not warpy mirrors in your space.  That $15 black or white framed Ikea long mirror does a body real dirty, don't trust it!  Try not to recoil at your own reflection, and practice self-compassion on the days when you catch yourself recoiling even a tiny bit.

In the wise words of RuPaul:
"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen!"
     We can slowly build up self-compassion through finding things to love about ourselves.  If you are like me, it is a lot easier to focus on my professional achievements than my physical appearance or even my merits as a decent human being.  But being proud of your physical appearance is important for general quality of life.  After someone messes with your mind about your self-worth for long enough, it can be hard to see yourself as vital, beautiful, and appealing.  It can feel awkward and alien to think highly or even kindly of yourself.  Being naked, seeing yourself naked, and finding joy in being in your own naked skin helps you not only in relationship with yourself, but also is a huge confidence booster when you are ready to be naked with someone else.  Brush your teeth naked.  Do the dishes naked.  See how you feel, does it get easier over time?  Confidence with your exposed self will slowly translate to confidence with your clothed self.  Hell, even getting a haircut, a pap test, or a wax is easier when you feel more confident in your own skin.
     This self-compassion and self-love is how we slowly build ourselves back up after the upset of a major breakup.  Some proactive Treat Yo Self-esque experiments I did included:
-a juice cleanse ($$$ but lost 2 pounds in 3 days and peed a lot, but would do again)
-a facial
-a massage
-spending a long time meditating in the sauna/steam room
-actually going to the gym on my own terms, staying as long or as short as I wanted without feeling guilty
-got a quintessential post-breakup hair cut
     It was great timing for me because the money that would have been spent on our anniversary, his birthday, and Christmas was able to be hedonistically reinvested in myself.  That being said, spending money can only go so far.  Back to the constructive (and cathartically destructive) rituals.

Rituals II
Cleanse your physical space through ritual!  This can begin the day, even moments after your breakup.
1. Remove everything that has a sentimental pang from your immediate vision.
*start in the entrance way of your space, scan your eyeline for gifts, photos, or anything else that needs to G-O out the D-O.
2. Create 4 piles: first is their stuff that needs to be returned.  Get it out of your space as soon as humanly possible.  Their shit can either be picked up in person or drop it off at a mutual friend's place, just make sure it is masterfully packed up beforehand to show that you are ready to move ONWARD AND UPWARD!  Back to our piles, one pile of donateable items (housewares, stuffed animals, decor, jewellery, etc), one of TRASH (things that were sentimental to you, but now have no use like the plastic wrapper from a bag of weird candy purchased on a trip...anything that you can't/environmentally shouldn't burn), and finally a pile of photos, cards, and expired love notes to BURRRNNNNN!
3. You are ready for a Ritual Burning! 
-make sure you have a lighter or matches
-if you do not have a fireplace, fire pit, or bonfire spot, get a glass or metal baking tin/container and line it with aluminum foil 
-light candles in your space using a gas lighter or matches
-hell, sage your place before or after the burning too if you're into that
-if you have a deck, open your door to the outdoors and invite nature and fresh air inwards
-collect your pile of things to burn, if you prefer chaos and don't have much to burn, load your tinfoil-lined baking vessel with the cursed papers and burn, baby, burn!
*I was lucky enough to do this ritual twice, the first time I burned the majority of his cards and notes alone, but I got a cryptic and creepy piece of mail post-breakup because of his ineptitude (wrote my address incorrectly) and it arrived over a month after the breakup, and I was able to burn this final cursed memento with my best friend and her boyfriend.  If you feel comfortable, I highly recommend including those you love in your healing process as you see fit.
-add the ash to any of your potted plants or send it out into the universe by blowing it into the air, depending on the method and volume of ash produced in your burning
4. Clean everything, it is time to begin anew!
-open windows to let fresh air in as you begin your cleansing journey
-light candles or incense of your choosing, honestly I am sure that there are supposed to be scents or herbs that are best for this kind of thing, but I say go with what you love the most as you reclaim your space and make it pristine for yourself
-begin by washing your bed linens, vacuum the mattress, get every trace of their DNA out of your sacred recharging space
-wipe down all surfaces with the cleaning solution of your choice
-really scour your bathroom, again aiming to erase any stubborn hairs and nastiness from your ritual spaces
-brew some tea and relax in your beautiful home after
     I found that once my space felt purely mine again, it was a lot easier to relax.  Plus it was very clean and appealing to host friends.  It was also a relief to know that if I lured any unsuspecting males into my witch lair, it was already at a base-level of presentable.  Staying on top of laundry and dishes is another story when you transition into the action-phase.

Action
     The therapist side of me says that time is never wasted in a relationship as long as you learn about yourself and grow.  However, the human in me can't help but wonder who I could have met, and what else I could have accomplished in the last 8 years if I was not wasting so much energy on someone who did not help build me up at all and actively worked to tear me down.  It has been a lot to unpack.  If you are as stubborn as I am, admitting defeat is the hardest of all.  It took me a while to allow myself to grieve.  
The initial momentum of purging his stuff, wonderful and spontaneous boujee self-care, as well as instant interest and responses on online dating platforms had me feeling I N C R E A D I B L E (with slight hints of horror and manageable rage).
As time went by, I started to feel the deep sadness for the years I spent pouring my heart, soul, and genuine caring effort into a one-sided and draining relationship with a selfish energy vampire.  Embarrassed to "regress" from my public empowered persona, who was handling the breakup with dignity, grace, and the utmost strength, I didn't want to admit, even to myself, that I had a lot to grieve.
     I had a few very rough days in the two weeks leading up to Christmas.  I felt truly overwhelmed with grief.  Not just for my wasted time, but for all the bad habits I realize I have now from the combination of both my terrible relationships over the last 11 years.  Self-doubt and crushing sadness overtook the otherwise celebratory rituals and reflections I had been practicing.  That being said, allowing yourself to grieve does not undo all the progress you may have made through rituals and reflection.
     From the beginning of this process, I realize that I was never alone.  Growth cannot happen in a vacuum, just like plants we need fresh air, sun, and sustenance (both physical and emotional). Friends helped crystallize the initial decision.  My best friend showed up at my apartment the day of the deed with armfulls of chocolate, treats, and even a little unicorn to remind me of the magical creature I am.  Always remember that your friends and family are ALWAYS there for you in some capacity. 
*Invite those you care about into your rituals and reflect and grieve with them*
The time you spent in a not-great relationship may have been time they felt your distance in friendships.  If there is anyone in the world fit to celebrate with you, it is those nearest and dearest to you.  It was a delicious privilege to have my friends literally support a container to burn my ex's creepy, cryptic, manipulative post-breakup card with me.
*Celebrate small victories and set SMART goals*
-get your body snatched at the gym
-try something like a cooking class or improv that you always wanted to do but "something" was holding you back before
-save money for a solo trip
The possibilities for goals are endless because you are a fantastic person capable of actualizing your wildest dreams!
     Not all goals need to be outwardly impressive.  The most liberating personal growth can come from what seem like the smallest steps.  For me, going to certain stores by myself (author's note: I did get teary when I wrote this part) was a huge step.  It was shockingly emotionally wearing treading paths once walked as a couple.  Choking back tears in Walmart did garner some interesting looks.  Launching back into what were couple routines as a single person can be the most jarring.  Those are the moments that feel
L O N E L Y.
You might not miss your ex, but it is thrown into your face that a lot has changed.  And if you're like me, change is hella hard.  It's not comfortable, it's certainly not easy, but you survived and you're doing it every day.

     So here's to you, here's to me, here's to us!  Let's give another "Thank u, next" to our exs and appreciate all that they have taught us. No matter what your situation, relationships change us, sometimes for the better, sometimes in a more detrimental fashion.  It's about getting back up, putting yourself back out there when you are ready, and dusting off the best, most shiny, and infectious facets of your spirit.  Everyone heals at different rates.  One day it will go beyond healing and you will blossom.  Your head will sit a little higher.  Your co-workers might comment that you seem lighter.  You might even smile while walking in a familiar place and nothing but contentment for existing in this exact moment, just as you are, fills your mind.  Here's to 2019!  May it be filled with continued successes, personal growth, and lots and lots and lots of adventures worth blogging about.

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