Sunday, 25 March 2012


     A few weeks ago, we went out to celebrate a friend's birthday.  It was nice to see some people from high school I seldom keep in contact with.  Knowing me, my primary incentive was to get a bit buzzed.  I had a bottle of coffee with Bailey's, Kahlua, and Peppermint Schnapps in my purse and had to make many escapes to the bathroom to supplement the pitcher of sangria.  After we had paid our bills at the pre-gaming spot, an old friend and I ventured forth into the dark of the urban night on our first adventure in years as an epic duo.

    After he did his thing in a brick alcove, he noticed me having some trouble with my milky brown concoction.
     We all know the alcohol yell.  Anyway, it's funny how easy it can be to reconnect and settle back into roles in the friend group like no time has passed.  These are very special friends.  I always feel so refreshed to hear the words, "this is why I love you! God, I missed you!"
     It got me thinking about how much I've changed over the last few years, or haven't, I suppose.  Sometimes I wish I could talk to myself as a protective  guardian from the future.  First off I think 15 year old me would chew me out for getting jealous of my friend going to the Ke$ha concert, and being able to identify with the longing for an "excuse to dress like a whore and be covered in glitter".
     After that, we'd talk seriously about some decisions in her life and I would urge her to rid herself of some dead weight.  Most importantly, I'd reassure her that everything will work out.
     You see, gentle reader, I'm going to let you in on a little secret about my personal life as I feel like most humans can relate.  A lot of changes have occurred in me between now and the last two years of high school, when we begin to become functioning human beings.  Often times I feel like a completely different person, and not necessarily in a good way.
      Feeling like a part of me has died is rather disconcerting, considering she was the whimsical and irrepressibly free spirited component of my psyche that radiated contagious joy.  There's been a bit of a battle royale waging between parts of my brain for a while now, a most viscous cycle of self doubt and loathing only to lead to more trouble for no real reason.
    It's taken me a while to revive myself, melodrama aside, that freak is still totally alive and kickin'.  Although subdued, she can be coaxed out through obscure nerd things, artsy shit, and pervasive optimism.  Yes, dear reader, this free drink snagging, often shamelessly self promoting and self deprecatingly proud weirdo's self confidence fluctuates like a chubby 12 year old girl wearing a bikini only because she knows wearing a tankini will alert everyone on the beach to her lack of self esteem (can you guess who the funny fat nerdy kid was in elementary school?). 
     It was only while flailing through the alleyways of Gastown in the wee hours of the morning when I realized that like it or not, I'm the same random girl I've always been.  I often hide how marvellous I think the world is because cynicism is an easy form of humour that helps sensitive people avoid being hurt or disappointed because no one takes them seriously.
     Maybe this is where I evolve into my all-encompassing adult stage?
        (my baby tee has long necks on it)
      I think Cali Swag District said it best, "now you just do you, and Ima do me", "All my bitches love it, you ain't fuckin' with my dougie".

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