Sunday, 18 September 2011

Ultimate Pick Me Up

     My house is about 500 degrees below my ectotherm lizard queen limit of tolerability.  My parents won't let me turn the heat on because it is only September so I had to wear a coat and beret in my nest to not freeze to death and catch my death of cold.  Oh wait, too late.
     I decided that this should be a mega relax, tame your illness for once instead of being slightly sick for months and becoming acclimatized to feeling like shit, weekend.  I did a very good job.  I made one studious attempt to stay on top of my readings and study for my quiz tomorrow, but after a few half assed hours, I ended up on watching hours of Jersey Shore.  You see my dear reader, I may have followed the other 3 seasons, but this time I just couldn't be bothered.  Also I worked.  Anyway, 6 hours later, we have my interpretations of all the characters.  Enjoy!
     Let's start with Deena, as she is the newest member of the cast of this epic reflection of regular modern life.  I may be an obnoxious drunk, but mandolin, at least I always wear undies.  Gotta give her credit though, she seems to have a lot of fun, except when she hooks up with girls and gets confused and cries because she is out of control and losing herself but just keeps drinking.  Who deals with real problems anyway?
    I was considering not even drawing her a head, thus her less than recognizable face.  She is an affront to nature.  Enough said.  I do admire her zeal for skirmishes though.  At least once before I die, gotta punch some bitches out. Mmmmmm yes.  I have a signature move I've been developing just for such an occasion, but it's a secret.  Hint: gotta get a lock of hair for the scrapbook!  Jenni tries to be the level headed one, she actually has a pretty reasonable brain above those enormous, bronzed fake breasts.
     AHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT IS THIS HORRIBLE MINION OF HELL?!?!  No, seriously, The Situation is the most hideous thing I've seen in a long time, and I've seen spinal disability porn for my Health Science lecture last year.  His mind is all kinds of wrong too, half the time he just makes weird noises vaguely resembling "nawwww meeeann".  Gak!  Enough of this foul creature! BE GONE HELLSPAWN!
     Oh Snooki, Jionni has turned you into a mopey alpaca.  She still knows how to party though, and she's lost a commendable sum of weight.  I wish I had the technology to do tans or some kind of colour on these illustrations.  If I shaded it with pen, it would defs look like racism.  She is my favourite bowling ball.
     Sammi is the only kind of normal looking girl?  At least I think so.  I would never, in my life, choose to befriend her though.  I hate drama.  I hate other people's drama.  I hate it when people screech at the counterparts of their drama and cry hysterically in public.  Speaking of big dumb animals...
     I find nothing attractive about Ron, except that he has all his limbs and skin, but that could be a lot of people.  He is just so stupid.  It actually hurts me to see him interacting in his televised daily life.  Also men that big disgust me.  HULKING MAN BEAST!  It's just so...creepy.  Like morbid obesity, the human body lets itself extend to huge sizes, but it is not good in the long run.  People just aren't supposed to be like that.  I would not feel comfortable around a guy that could crush my dainty skull between their bicep and forearm.
       I would actually love to have Pauly D as a bro.  He seems like such a fun guy to have around, he and Vinny are so silly!
     Maybe I took a bit of artistic license with Vinny. Vinny is the only one that strikes me as slightly human.  And by human I mean bangable.  But seriously, he seems like a decent boy and his skin isn't the colour of a well cooked roast beast.  Also, has anyone else noticed how hipster he's become in the 4th season?  He even has nice lil' thick rimmed glasses, one of my Kryptonites.  Consider this:
     After all of this Jersey-ness, what was the only logical thing for me to do you ask?  For the first time since the beginning of summer, I broke out the sunless tanner and a pair of vinyl gloves and rubbed myself down with toxic chemicals.  I want to maintain my summer glow, ok?  It's not hypocritical because you can still tell I'm totally a white gurl.  My room still reeks of self tanner though.

No comments:

Post a Comment